Talmage Samuel Lane

For months we tried to decide on a name.

I kept suggesting Talmage and Jack kept suggesting Joseph Smith, Don Carlos and Alvin.

I think that is such a fun part of being pregnant.

You comb over what it will be like and all your 

UNREALISTIC expectations flood your mind and imagination for 

40 weeks straight.

And then that lovely reality hits.

My due date was May 10th. Mothers Day.

It was a simple quiet UN contractual type of day.

The next day I went to the doctors to receive the news that I was dilated to a one.

I was disappointed and hoped that I would have my baby before my Mom flew out that Friday.

I cried on the phone to hear.

Put on workout clothes and went for a long walk.

Then I met Jack and Jackson in the garden where

Jack asked me for help, so I took it upon myself to

fill up the water buckets over and over and carry them to him in 

each hand, like some entry level crossfit workout.

Nothing.

I went to bed.

In the morning I was in pain. 

I diagnosed myself with what they call: Pre Labor.

My contractions were 3 minutes apart at 9 a.m.

Jack told Jackson to school and cancelled his events for the day.

We figured it would be a day laboring.. that is what all the books say.. and all the 

UNREALISTIC expectations.

By 11:30 we were at the hospital and I was dilated to a 5 and screaming and moaning..

LIKE ALL THE HOLLYWOOD MOVIES that the BOOKS say it isn't like at all.

wrong. ha.

The staff prepared me for a IV and try to find a vein 7 different times.

Another 90 minutes pass, they get the IV in and send a blood test down to the lab to confirm that I 

can receive an epidural... all the while I'm laboring...

LIKE ALL THE HOLLYWOOD MOVIES that the BOOKS say it isn't like at all.

The lab must have gone to lunch and a movie and perhaps a nap

because 90 minutes later I got the epidural.

Jack asked the doctor to check me, its 4:45, And I've dilated to a 10.

They tell me to "Labor down"

We aren't sure what that means, so I start practicing positions I want to deliver in,

the ones all the natural birthing books talk about... the positions not found in movies.

I practice push for 45 minutes which I actually loved and was actually 

really fun.

5:39 Talmage is born.

The doctor calls him aggressive and Jack and I both smile.

Photo Credit: Kate Dooley: site

They immediately place him on my chest and this little guy starts his push up 

routine.... and we become smitten.

We feel so blessed to be able to add to our little family immediately.

Lets talk about hearts

Why I'm ready for Mother's Day

Biblical references and in the scriptures,

 we have read about people or places that were

taken up to Heaven because of their righteousness.

I used to believe that this was going to happen to my mother.

She wasn't perfect, but I believe she gave me a great environment to grow and learn

and make mistakes.

She fosters her parenting techniques with a lot of love and tenderness.

I've never really seen her mad, except for once, when I was 12,

but I deserved much more than her sharpness.

She raised 8 children, having them all in 11 years.

She is  always looking her best,  and a mother who was also always willing to 

take us swimming, or make us clothing from the trendy patterns.

Throughout all of my childhood,

I can count on one hand, how many times my mom

didn't put on makeup. Simply put- She is a lady.

She is always well kept, but never made a point to 

show off how beautiful she is. We just kind of knew it.

She was so involved in the community,

 I thought that is what mothers do.

They campaign.

They raise money for schools,

They join the school board.

They feed 8 kids at once.

They are happy all the time.

All of the goodness my about own identity in womanhood 

came by being raised by this women.

We are 20 years apart, which has given me many years to 

call her my best friend through my adult life.

PC: Kirstin Roper

As I've approached Mother's Day with

my own little growing family, a step son and

a baby boy due on Mother's day, I can only reflect on the

blessing I've had for "almost translated"

Mother I was born to.

PC: Kirstin Roper

The best and strongest attributes of my mother are not inherent in my nature.

I have tried to cultivate her example and have spend hours studying her life and her 

good works.

 It has taught me that one can 

develop good in their life, if 

they simply desire it.

My mom stayed home for most of my life,

but when she did work out of the home, it meant business.

I was the first member of my family to go to college, and my mom 

followed soon after. She is the first one in our family to get her Master's degree.

She graduated before me with the tenacity of what's next attitude?

I often think her abilities and her professionalism was first born in the home.

Imagine trying to deal with 8 totally different , excited little ones, always

competing with each other and challenging everyone else around them.

IF YOU KNOW THIS WOMAN, 

I KNOW YOU LOVE HER TOO!

I could go on and on.

Perhaps, we can all pick our favorite attributes of our mothers

and grow into our little heaven on earth.

Compassion

Sometimes we think we need to be able to heal someone to have compassion on there.

but before the Savior did any healing, he showed a love and willingness to ease the burdens

of those in pain.

When we search the scriptures, Compassion is usually followed by some type of healing.

When in reality, showing compassion is part of the actual healing

 that the Savior performs in our lives.

To experience this from the Savior,

We must come unto Him, learn of His teaches and follow His example,

by our actions.

To heal others, we must be willing to ease their burdens.

Compassion can be difficult to give to people who hurt us.

The irony in that, is that those are EXACTLY the people who

NEED our compassion.

31 Weeks

31 Weeks has been a sleepy time for me.

I've been taking naps- which is unheard of.

But I also only sleep 5 hours at night.

It catches up to me pretty fast and this lazy haze comes over me.

For the first time, I think I could know what it is like to fall asleep sitting up.

Why I train Pregnant

I definitely didn't think that the first 22 weeks of pregnancy would be accompanied with sickness, 

that left me on a couch. 

For those weeks- all I had control over was my positive thoughts and somewhat

of my food intake.

I don't have a wet suit like this woman- But I'm able to walk and sometimes job 

everyday.

I've been able to lift weights,

I've been able to swim and 

I'm grateful to introduce my son

into an active environment too.

This is everything

This is everything.

For a long time- I have always kind of  thought about how

people separate out things in their life.

You know- business and personal.

For me, I haven't really ever been able to separate 

anything personal. Its just part of my package.

With that being said, I'd like my life to be one cohesive package.

You know, when you walk into an art gallery and view a body of work,

it all works together with its theme or in context with each other.

Each piece may have a new element that ties it to the next,

but overall, its one big piece or body of work.

I've thought about what I would write in this here blog-

It's suppose to be for my family.

The happenings, 

but at the end of the day- it all comes back to me,

as the author, being personal.

I have a textile private journal. I visit it, but not enough.

I have my private blog- for all the pioneer women in my life that have 

been there from the get go-

But I'd like this blog to be everything.

One thing- My life- my passion- my family-

All in compassing with my theme.

But what is my theme.

Lately, it seems so seasonal.

The longest season was a theme of single womanhood.

 I wore that badge long and hard, 31 years and 15 days to be exact.

It was the longest season of my life so far and I'll be 62 when I can say that I've been 

married to Jack longer than I have not!

The dating, engagement and days up until marriage

was a whirlwind of meaningful stepping stones

that

taught us both that we wanted to do this Eternity thing together.

Neither of us were struck by lightening to know

that all things heavenly approved.

But- it was gradually fast.

We were carried by our dopamine levels and emotional attraction to each other.

Which brings us to

30.5 weeks into marriage. Which is today.

We decided together that for our marriage and consecrated life unto the Lord, it

would be best met, by putting our temporal desires aside to start our family.

We didn't know when that would happen- we just knew that we felt inclined to

put the Lord first BY starting our family.

BUT it didn't stop there.

The moment you see two lines against a pregnancy test, you have your rite of passage to throw in the towel, but it doesn't work that way when serving the Lord. Especially if you feel like the immediate gift of pregnancy was granted so quickly- you feel indebted to Him again, and you want Him to know

that you're in it for the long haul.

So you repeatedly re visit all the invitations He gives you. Through the mouth of his prophets

and through the modern and standard works- You are accountable to every single whispering you 

have from the Holy Ghost, and to top that off- You are even accountable to the promptings you should be having.

I don't want that to sound overwhelming at all. Because it shouldn't be, its a simple act of 

being self aware and recognizing the power you have to influence others to feel appreciated and love.

What is our motive for serving the Lord in the first place? We have to have our own reasoning

individually and collectively.

My initial thought this morning was that it never ends... and thank goodness for that.

Can you imagine building a boat and that's it?

Or slaying Laban and that's it?!

Thank goodness that is no end to the opportunities we have to learn and do and become.

A lot of people have been telling me- 

Well, for all the throwing up you do- at least you get a baby at the end.

But that doesn't always work- 

You can't say that to someone who has cancer.

We can't be looking towards the end all the time. The prize is today, now- so relish in that

before tomorrow comes- of course you get to do your do overs again.

There is no end, and there is no fun in the tunnel vision of the end.

At 30 weeks pregnant,

I've actually been humbled to see what my body can do and what it cannot.

Its interesting to see moments or situations where I submit because Im pregnant.

I've appreciate opportunities to try and do normal things while pregnant.

Sometimes I fail and other times, I laugh because the failure isn't really a failure anymore.

Im growing a baby inside of me-

This started almost immediately after my long season of single life ended.

The transition of selfishness to selflessness does not end just because I saw two lines on a pregnancy test.

Sometimes I think the Lord wants us to be pregnant for 9 months for US to prepare for that transition 

where our life is not our own, and we are just so excited for it.

I've been mentally preparing myself for a Mother's Day baby. But I've also been preparing for a pregnancy of 41 weeks.

I don't have any expectations. I can't demand that from unborn baby.

"Silly pregnancy brain" might tell you otherwise- but I'm just relishing in the miracle that

I found someone

perfectly awesome to marry and

 that we happened to be on the same path.

Now we get to continually chose how well we walk that path together- with each stepping stone 

teaching us something new about how we can better rely on the Lord.

The day I first found out I was pregnant. And the way I broke the news.

The day I first found out I was pregnant.

We had been married less than a month. 

We tackled a massive renovation in my attic apartment.

I did my part of late night sanding, painting, base boards..

You name it, I did it. But Sept 2nd, I felt like I got a virus or something.

I felt sick.  So I made a doctors appt and took a pregnancy test... FOR FUN.

It was positive.

I told Jack. He smiled and said: "Already!?"

Before we got married we talked about when we would start our family and it seemed like the Lord was prompting both of us not to wait... so there was the verdict.

When I got to the doctor, I was informed that there was no medicine to cure this virus I had

because I was indeed pregnant.

3 weeks pregnant.

We broke the news by video tapping our first ultra sound.

We notified all of our siblings, parents first.

Then we sent the message viral.

Overloaded

Do you think their is a spiritual connection between being pregnant and being emotional.

To be given an extra added measure of overload... Overload of Love...

Its debilitating sometimes right?

Everything makes you cry. But you are never said.

The overload of emotions is something I've wanted so long to fill.

You can't stop, yet, you can't control.

What can you do about it?

Embrace it. Be grateful for it.

The the feelings of overloaded emotions wash over you.

Focus on the peace of the baby inside of you.

I feel the tiny movements inside of me,

and this is not something I could produce myself.

This is left me wanting to know about whats on the other side of that veil.

For the overloaded feeling I can only imagine is the veil not being lifted but maybe just bumped into.

Like the baby inside, bumping into your tummy, just to let you know, he is there.

Or she.

Can I stay like this forever?

Like after labor and delivery?

To be more involved with the needs of someone other than me.

To have a duality to protecting and caring for my temple.

I have felt Heavenly Father's love more- through this little piece of Jack and I growing inside of me.

Overloaded and In Love.

28 Weeks

28 Weeks.

I've gained 12.3 lbs.

I passed my glucola test after the second time..

here was the first experience:

How to fail your Oral Glucose test, before you even take it:

Wake up feeling great- Drink the 10 ounces, let it remind you of Gatorade..

You decide to walk to your appt. You began a slight job- You only have a half a block to go- you feel great 26 weeks pregnant- then you get a whiff of the McDonalds across the street and barf up all 10 ounces. 

No big deal- You've thrown up 346 times in the last 26 weeks.... Except you get to the doctors and they look at you weird when you tell them you jogged over to take your test and you threw up-

They send you away for another day.

Expect this passage to be in the book I write called: WHAT NEVER EVER TO EXPECT WHEN YOURE PREGNANT. ha.

GOOD MORNING MONDAY!

_________________________

No complaints. I'm tired and happy. 

A mothers womb

Image credit: unknown- Please someone direct us to the artist.

Twin babies were in a mother’s womb. One asked: “Do you think there's life after delivery?”

The other baby answered, “Why, yes, of course. There has got to be something after delivery. Perhaps we are here to prepare ourselves for what we will be later.”

“Nonsense” said the first. “There is no life after delivery. What kind of life would that be?”

The second replied, “I don’t know, but there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths. Maybe we will have other senses that we cannot comprehend right now.”

The first snorted, “That is absurd. Walking is impossible. And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord supplies nutrition and everything we need. And the umbilical cord is so short that life after delivery is illogical.”

The second insisted, “Well I think there is something and maybe it’s different than it is here. Maybe we won’t need this cord anymore.”

The first replied, “That's stupid. If there is life, then why has no one ever come back from there? Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery there is nothing but darkness and silence and oblivion. It takes us nowhere.”

“Well, I don’t know,” answered the second, “but certainly we will meet Mother and she will take care of us.”

The first laughed, “Mother? You actually believe in Mother? That’s moronic. If Mother exists then where is She now?”

The second replied, “She is all around us. We are surrounded by Her. We are of Her. It is in Her that we live. Without Her our world would not and could not exist.”

Said the first: “Well I don’t see Her, so it is only logical that She doesn’t exist.”

To which the second responded, “Sometimes, when it's quiet and I focus and really listen, I can perceive Her presence, and I can hear Her loving voice singing over us from above.”

--- written in 2012 by Czech psychiatrist Jirina Prekop MD, who authored Erstgeborene and has co-authored Auf Schatzsuche bei unseren Kindern.

Pregnancy Cravings

Pregnancy cravings:

Do you have them?

What are they?

Whatever they are;

They are real.

I had one yesterday when my husband asked me what I wanted for lunch.

I thought Walnut Shrimp.

but I replied Chinese Food.

When we ordered our food,

there was no walnut shrimp and I was so upset inside.

When we sat to ate- I shared my disappointment

after ordered something "in stock"

He said, why didn't you tell me that you

were craving walnut Shrimp.

I would have MADE SURE you got that.

Bless his heart.

This morning I wanted Orange Juice so we drove a couple blocks to grab some.

Jack left for class and I dropped my orange juice, it shot up into my hair and face,

covering my clothes.

I was so upset inside.

These pregnancy cravings were better when they were a grapefruit and salad.

I don't know who I am anymore.

Kidding.

but its funny to be tossed to and fro by cravings.

Do you follow them?

Do you ignore them?

I've always eaten stuff with extra pickles.

And you know what, I've always drank pickle juice.

And the darkest chocolate out there.

I've been craving donuts for weeks,

but I haven't really sought them out.

Right now I feel like a big glasss of very warm water- 32 ox from a Nalgene bottle to be exact.

And I'm drinking that as I type.....

Maybe I'll be craving a bath after that!

Oh my goodness, someone just gave me a donut!

Maybe pregnancy cravings aren't that bad of a roller coaster!

When you move across the country.

I haven't really written about this before.

I've told my husband about it, and I can't really 

put it into words for the little girl who I feel this way about.

First of all, when you are pregnant, your emotions are heighten. So often- 

with all these transitions, I'm wondering if things would be as amazing, as hard, 

as beautiful and as frightening. Alas, all I can do is accept what comes and 

learn to love it.

When I moved across the country, I went with my love.

Weeks before I met him and for much of my adult single life,

my family had been fasting and praying for me to 

find someone I felt eternally compatible with.

I had no fear to cleave unto him. So we made the 1,500 mile trek.

But.

When you move across the country, you leave behind part of your life.

And for me, there really wasn't anywhere for me to cope in a manner that

felt right, so I cried, mostly at night or in the shower where 

the ugly cry could emerged from its ugly place.

There was a yearning I experienced that 

was different than losing someone to death.

This yearning was more bearable, yet- painful.

I missed one particular little girl so much, that I cried.

I would dream about her weekly, and in each dream,

she would demonstrate her independence.

She was doing things in the dream that she never did around me 

in real life, and it taught me how to cope with progression and 

helped me understand that separation anxiety on any level,

can become a teacher.

In my dreams, she didn't need me like I thought she used to.

This is Liz, one of my nieces.

When Liz was about a 7-8 months old, she always came to me. crawling or reached for me

there she was, Baby Yiz, we called her.

This felt like a personal triumph, a tender mercy.

She in a lot of ways- added purpose to my life as a sister, an aunt and 

a single woman that wanted her own babies. 

We spend lots of time together since she was born.

She will be 3 this April.

So when you move across the country, you cannot fill this void immediately.

She could barely talk when I left and so communicating over the phone 

did not fill the void. Video chat did not fill my void. 

And everytime we did talk, she would ask:

"Yenny, When are you coming to my house?"

Insert the crying. :)

I dreamt about her weekly and woke up in tears because I missed her so badly.

I missed all my nieces, but this one had a special place in my heart, for the way she loved me back.

I know that Heavenly Father was aware of this hurt. He knows what it is like to have 

separation anxiety from those that He loves, but in his perfected state, he also

lets us live our lives and continually progress.

I know that Heavenly Father was aware of this hurt

because we were able to get pregnant immediately.

And truth be told, in my heart of hearts,

(you know that little secret spot where

EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE WORKS 

OUT JUST THE WAY YOU WANTED)

Well, in that secret spot, I wanted to have a daughter first.

I wanted to fill the void I had for missing all of my 6 sisters.

I needed to fill the void I had for missing my mother.

My heart of hearts had it all figured out.

Our first ultrasound was around 13 weeks and it kind of denoted that

a little boy would join our family. So I begin to train my inner heart 

for a little boy. As I've progressed throughout this pregnancy,

I feel that having a boy will be a perfect addition to our 

already boy family. And irony is my middle name- 

so I'm actually preparing myself to raise a 

soccer team of boys- that may not even like sports.

Lessons learned:

1. Having a secret heart of hearts is okay.

2. Knowing that we don't have a lot of control in when and what happens

is a healthy way to progress and adjust.

Just ask my husband.

He DID NOT

want to date and or marry someone from Utah.

(more on that later. Actually you should ask him to write about it sometime)

3. I used to call it Phantom Pains when I lived outside of NYC.

See blog post here: 

http://jennyhansen.blogspot.com/2012/02/phantom-pains-of-homesickness.html

Now I'm feeling that all these emotions can teach us and prepare us 

to become Parents and ultimately prepare us to be like our Heavenly Father.

The perks of living far away means you get awesome FB messages from your dad:

I love you lots and lots tooo... DAD!

xoxo

Letters to my Baby | I

You have been in the womb-

about 25 weeks- I don't feel you too often yet

but I know you are there.

I took you and Jackson swimming last night.

I think you are going to really like your older brother.

He has suggested we name you Super Diper- But that is only 

because he got the spelling of diaper wrong.

Don't worry- that is a normal name referral from anyone 

about that age. And as thoughtful as it may be, 

we will not be naming you Super Diper- 

But you may hear it more in the next couple months.

I have craved grapefruit and citrus throughout this entire pregnancy.

My husband is a saint and makes 

tomatillo salsa on demand.

And it's amazing. 

When he was little, everyone asked his mother 

if he was her Mexican Baby. 

He has olive skin and darker hair.

This was much different from the other 5 children she raised.

They had lighter skin, lighter hair and eyes.

This is a photo of your daddy 4 weeks old and 2 days:

Because he was Jack the third, he was nicked named:

Jackie, whom his siblings and mother still address him by.

My favorite photo of your dad is this one, he was two here:

Now my baby,

I want you to know that if you don't look Mexican, it will be okay.

If you look like a Hansen, I think we will survive.

I just wanted to write you and let you know, 

that we are so excited for your 

arrival this Spring.

In the meantime, 

your daddy will keep practicing his voice over talent

on my belly.

And I will write to you to enjoy the moments and 

all the new things that come along with motherhood.

xoxo

24 Weeks

The most interesting thing pregnancy has taught me, is,

LISTEN TO MY BODY.

I don't feel like I've had my body tell me it's hungry until now.

I've gained 2 pounds so far- but lost 10 in the first trimesters.

8 more pounds and I'll be back to the weight I was before pregnancy.

I crave salads all the time, I eat three to four different types of citrus daily.

My day is not complete without a grapefruit and biotin pills.

I'm not drinking as much water as I would like, but I'm eating well.

I was able to get on the Erg last week and do some rowing- I am out of shape in that department,

I also lifted some weights while my husband did free weighs, he is a beast- in a good way.

I'd like to get back to the gym, I just need to schedule it in.

We have the crib put together, except for the bottom drawer, we need a part for that.

I started feeling my body move- he feels so tiny- but I'm expecting to deliver a large

bundle of joy. So I'm preparing for that mentally.

2015

Its been very cold here in Lexington, not normal cold. 

Negative 5 degree, with little to no snow. Jack flew to Utah this week to put up our 

Land Rover and check on the house.

I'm 22 weeks along and finally feel great.

We spend Christmas in Arkansas which was nice to see Jack's parents.

When we got back, we celebrated with Jackson and of course his favorite 

present he opened was a Chinese fan, that he lost at church the next day!

When he was in Utah this Summer my mom, Grandma Hansen,

gave Jackson a fan from Taiwan, from their last visit there he carried it around

until he broke it. Perhaps we will have to make one together.