When you move across the country.

I haven't really written about this before.

I've told my husband about it, and I can't really 

put it into words for the little girl who I feel this way about.

First of all, when you are pregnant, your emotions are heighten. So often- 

with all these transitions, I'm wondering if things would be as amazing, as hard, 

as beautiful and as frightening. Alas, all I can do is accept what comes and 

learn to love it.

When I moved across the country, I went with my love.

Weeks before I met him and for much of my adult single life,

my family had been fasting and praying for me to 

find someone I felt eternally compatible with.

I had no fear to cleave unto him. So we made the 1,500 mile trek.

But.

When you move across the country, you leave behind part of your life.

And for me, there really wasn't anywhere for me to cope in a manner that

felt right, so I cried, mostly at night or in the shower where 

the ugly cry could emerged from its ugly place.

There was a yearning I experienced that 

was different than losing someone to death.

This yearning was more bearable, yet- painful.

I missed one particular little girl so much, that I cried.

I would dream about her weekly, and in each dream,

she would demonstrate her independence.

She was doing things in the dream that she never did around me 

in real life, and it taught me how to cope with progression and 

helped me understand that separation anxiety on any level,

can become a teacher.

In my dreams, she didn't need me like I thought she used to.

This is Liz, one of my nieces.

When Liz was about a 7-8 months old, she always came to me. crawling or reached for me

there she was, Baby Yiz, we called her.

This felt like a personal triumph, a tender mercy.

She in a lot of ways- added purpose to my life as a sister, an aunt and 

a single woman that wanted her own babies. 

We spend lots of time together since she was born.

She will be 3 this April.

So when you move across the country, you cannot fill this void immediately.

She could barely talk when I left and so communicating over the phone 

did not fill the void. Video chat did not fill my void. 

And everytime we did talk, she would ask:

"Yenny, When are you coming to my house?"

Insert the crying. :)

I dreamt about her weekly and woke up in tears because I missed her so badly.

I missed all my nieces, but this one had a special place in my heart, for the way she loved me back.

I know that Heavenly Father was aware of this hurt. He knows what it is like to have 

separation anxiety from those that He loves, but in his perfected state, he also

lets us live our lives and continually progress.

I know that Heavenly Father was aware of this hurt

because we were able to get pregnant immediately.

And truth be told, in my heart of hearts,

(you know that little secret spot where

EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE WORKS 

OUT JUST THE WAY YOU WANTED)

Well, in that secret spot, I wanted to have a daughter first.

I wanted to fill the void I had for missing all of my 6 sisters.

I needed to fill the void I had for missing my mother.

My heart of hearts had it all figured out.

Our first ultrasound was around 13 weeks and it kind of denoted that

a little boy would join our family. So I begin to train my inner heart 

for a little boy. As I've progressed throughout this pregnancy,

I feel that having a boy will be a perfect addition to our 

already boy family. And irony is my middle name- 

so I'm actually preparing myself to raise a 

soccer team of boys- that may not even like sports.

Lessons learned:

1. Having a secret heart of hearts is okay.

2. Knowing that we don't have a lot of control in when and what happens

is a healthy way to progress and adjust.

Just ask my husband.

He DID NOT

want to date and or marry someone from Utah.

(more on that later. Actually you should ask him to write about it sometime)

3. I used to call it Phantom Pains when I lived outside of NYC.

See blog post here: 

http://jennyhansen.blogspot.com/2012/02/phantom-pains-of-homesickness.html

Now I'm feeling that all these emotions can teach us and prepare us 

to become Parents and ultimately prepare us to be like our Heavenly Father.

The perks of living far away means you get awesome FB messages from your dad:

I love you lots and lots tooo... DAD!

xoxo